My Family’s Experience at Baldwin

The intent of this post is to empower families who may experience discrimination or favortism in the private school system- and hopefully educate others on how they can protect themselves from being bullied by families who’s voices matter more- or to be clear… rich and/or white people. I wanted to share this back when it happened in March- but between everything going on with COVID and my family- it was out of sight and out of mind. It just so happens that now there are a lot of people speaking up on their own experience and I finally felt it was a good time for me to share mine.

A couple of years ago when my daughter attended the Baldwin School in Bryn Mawr, a classmate told her, “Filipinos burned the Jewish people’s houses and turned them into slaves.” I reached out to the parent to clarify the intent of her daughter’s comment- but that parent ignored me. So I wrote a nastygram on my blog because I was furious that this person didn’t care about how the comment had been hurtful to me/my daughter. The parent never acknowledged me and it was decided by the Head of the Lower School at the time and the current Head of School that there was a “misunderstanding” and that the child actually meant to reference “Philistines” and not Filipinos. That the girls are young, and she didn’t mean it that way. Even though my daughter told me she was upset by what was said, it didn’t matter. And wait- isn’t when they’re young the best time to address these issues? But apparently not there. Basically I had a bunch of white women tell me that my child misunderstood what happened and they weren’t going to make the child or family accountable for their actions. I’m sorry, but I don’t go up to Muslims and tell them “Muslims burned down the Twin Towers.” And if I did, clearly my intent was to make them feel bad about being Muslim. It’s the same thing. Even if she relayed the historical text correctly- and said Philistines instead of Filipinos- would it change the girl’s intent? But why would a white person (basically everyone in a leadership role at that school) understand that? Exactly, they wouldn’t! So I was furious, because the school basically did nothing- and I wrote a nastygram on my blog about the mom and her daughter. For those of you who know me, you know I won’t hold back- and I didn’t. I gave a tongue lashing to that mom and the daughter- which in hindsight was probably not responsible behavior that I regret- but I acted out of emotion and was angry that the mom of this child felt no sense of responsibility for the impact of her child’s actions. My daughter was 6 years old at the time and I was livid that she had to go through this at a school that I thought embraced diversity. I was asked by the school to remove the blog post and basically got in trouble. NEVER did anyone at the school empathize with my anger/hurt- or try to understand what would make me respond in such a way- the fact that I responded in that way made me wrong altogether for using my social media presence to share how I felt. At the time, I was one of the class parents- and was asked to step down even though there was no announcement made to other parents in the class- which meant parents were still reaching out to me to organize/help, ask questions, etc. Specifically I was asked to stop attending meetings- which I did- but I was not asked to entirely avoid communicating with the class.

Later that same year, it was clear that the voice of the other parent who refused to sit and talk things out with me, mattered more. I received phone calls from the Head of the Lower School at the time- asking me to stop sending emails to the class (even though I was never specifically asked to stop sending emails) because racist girl’s mom did not like receiving class emails from me. I was also asked to stop talking about the incident with other class parents when asked about it- even though I was told by the Head of the Lower School that the school does not get involved unless a student is involved. For example, when I was upset with the other parent for not responding to my request to sit down and clear up what happened with our daughters- the school’s position was that they don’t get involved because it is something between me and the parent- that they can’t force her to talk about the incident with me. But when this same parent heard that the incident was still being talked about with other parents in the class- she calls the school and the school (caring more about her voice vs. what they actually told me- which was that they don’t get involved with issues amongst parents) calls ME to stop?? You mean, you couldn’t tell that same parent “we don’t get involved because that incident doesn’t involve the students” just like I was told?? I realized then, that the school decided to reprimand me because that person’s voice mattered more than mine (whether it was because she was white, Jewish, or has more money) so I wrote an email to the Head of Lower School and called them out- letting them know that it was clear to me that they were favoring her voice over mine because I was being treated unfairly.

Their response? First silence. Then after a few weeks I followed up- and met with the Head of Lower School who again apologized for yet another “misunderstanding” and never actually acknowledged that what they did- reprimanding me and favoring the voice of racist mom- was clear and wrong. Of course, nothing in writing- because they don’t want proof that this is something they are actually guilty of. You know- clearly showing favoritism to another family and modifying their own decisions to accommodate another parent’s requests. At the end of the day, I decided to keep my girls there that year because they were happy and loved their teachers. I started the new school year with that incident behind me. By the time my girls left the school last summer, it was way behind me- I moved on and saw it as an option for my girls to still return. Even though I was salty about how the school handled the situation, I was focusing on the big picture- which was my girls- and overall, they were happy there. I put the incident behind me and I thought everyone else did too.

Nope.

So my girls started public school in September 2019. We wanted to give it a try, but my girls missed their friends/teachers a lot, so we decided to re-apply to Baldwin. And guess what happened? The Head of School pops in unannounced on a scheduled phone call that me/my husband had with Admissions, saying that submitting an application was a “big concern” to her- because of my record of not abiding to their “community norms and decisions”- and referencing an email and incident that happened almost 2 years ago! I almost laughed because I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. The email she was referencing was the one I mentioned above- where I called out the school for being treated unfairly. An email that she never acknowledged with me during my girls time there, but obviously saw and had feelings about- because she brought it up to make it clear that I don’t abide by their community norms and decisions (you know, when I told them that they treated me/my family unfairly) and wanted to make sure she kept my family out of the school.

A whole year and a half had passed- and the Head of School never said anything to me about being disruptive to the community, since the racial incident that happened. In my mind I moved forward. The incident was a year and a half behind me- otherwise, why would I want my girls to return?

And what was the big problem that the Head of School had with me? That I questioned how they handled an incident that proves they clearly favored another family’s voice over my own. So yes, a school that prides itself on growing confident girls that speak up- had a problem with me speaking up and questioning/asking for clarity for things that didn’t make sense to me. Leadership that lacks diversity will have no basis/reason to empathize or understand shoes they’ve never walked in- so anyone who needs clarity or questions why certain decisions were made- means that they are not accepting of their community norms and standards.

So that’s a whole lot of back story to get to the educational piece of this which is:

Anytime you have a school incident where you feel like something is not right or your child is being treated unfairly- demand that every reply be documented in an email OR if you are meeting, that every phone call and in-person meeting gets recorded.

Why? Because you’ll have a record. Looking back, I realized that everytime I sent an email- the issue was not addressed over email, but in person or on the phone. Now, if I wanted to go back to show to an attorney that I was not treated equally, I have nothing.

Why is this important? I’m thinking about anyone who goes to a private school and is not able to send them to a good public school. If I didn’t have a good public school available to me, would I speak up against the blatant unequal treatment and favortism? No! Why? Because my other option is to have my kids go to a school that I don’t prefer. In my experience, it was clear that the school had made the voice of another family matter a lot more than me/my daughter’s and it’s also clear to me why.

Makes you wonder how many parents have children that are being bullied and treated unfairly- and just accept it- because they don’t want their children to lose the opportunity to go to a good school.

I was specifically asked by the Head of School to keep the conversation we had in February of this year private- to not share it on my social media or with my friends that are still in the Baldwin community- because keeping it private would leave the door open for the girls to return to the school in the future. I wanted to vomit in my mouth. She really thought that she could maintain power over me/my voice, when I have no ties or obligation to her or the school? She knew I remained connected with families at the school and thought she could scare me into keeping quiet.

I hope that whoever reads this is empowered to stand up to leadership at a school when they see that their family is not being treated fairly. Had I realized the importance of documenting conversations and meetings, they would feel powerless because their reputation is on the line and the last thing a private school wants is bad publicity. When conversations and incidents are documented, the people in authority have less power and know they have to be mindful about what they say. It evens out the playing field when trying to resolve issues that they clearly have no basis in understanding because of their lack of perspective/diversity.

I am grateful for my family’s experience there- the people we met and the friendships my girls made. But this does not negate the issue at hand- which is that families are not treated equally. In my experience, they do not take disciplinary action towards those who are truly “guilty” because they favor the voices of rich and/or white people. Now there is a whole string of people putting out dirty laundry about racism at this school on the IG handle @blackmainlinespeaks- and it’s about time. As they say, there’s truth in numbers.

Just a few things my Daddy taught me

I had a number of things I intended on taking care of today, but doing this feels important so everything took a back burner. Today is my Dad’s death anniversary- it has been 15 years since I lost my dad unexpectedly. He spent the later years of his life in and out of the hospital- that we just expected him to come out. He went into the hospital shortly after I graduated from Drexel, around the summer of 2004 and then passed away the following February.

I’ve been feeling pretty sad today, thinking about him and where I am with my life and how I wish I was able to share so many moments with him. Obvious ones would be milestones like calling him to tell him that I’ll be a Mommy or that we moved into our new home that I know I would share with him. But I miss him for the little things. When he passed away there was no facetime. If he were around today, I could imagine him FaceTiming the kids and having us use the filters that the kids love to use. Or how proud he’d be to see how Giselle loves to eat all sorts of food- and how I’m actually a pretty decent cook! I cooked when we lived together, but I’d like to think he’d be proud of the cook I’ve become. Nothing great. But pretty good considering! Ha! And I know he would really enjoy spending time with us in nature- going to the beach especially- or doing something outdoors. I wonder if he’d actually be living with us in our house if he didn’t pass away- he probably would be because he’d want to be with the kids. When he passed away, I was just coming into my adulthood and looking forward to talking/connecting with him more. We spent a lot of my high school years butting heads and it was around the time that I started dating Cisco that we were entering a new phase in our relationship and then he was gone.

And saying this makes me feel so old- but it is what it is- that he taught me so many things that I could only understand now that I’m about to turn 40 and am a Mama. He gave me everything I needed. He provided for me and my siblings by doing what he could to make ends meet. At one point he did at least one of these- sold fish out of his broken ass van, sold cigarettes/candy, and he was a mailman- in addition to his regular job as a patient transporter at the hospital- and at that time, I honestly was embarrassed. Like, I would ride in his car and it would STANK!!! Like really bad! I’m positive that’s why I’m a germaphobe now. But when I sit and think about it- about how I was embarrassed- in that moment, I didn’t process what was actually happening and consider how he could have been feeling. That he was doing what he knew so that he could make ends meet- and in between all that- have a little extra to do things that we could enjoy as a family. Like going to the movies, the beach, the park- or just going out in general. During the last few years of his life- when I would come home from my days at Drexel- he looked forward to our time together and he’d get dressed up so we could go out. He loved getting out of the house, but would usually only do it with family- it’s not like he would go out on his own because he enjoyed it. He would take a bus and go for a walk at the pier in Canarsie on occasion, but for the most part he would stay home.

At the time, I thought he was being lazy. It didn’t cross my mind nor did we talk about his feelings/experiences that he could possibly be depressed- which I could see as I got older and even more so now that I’m a parent. Prior to me going away to school, I could say for the most part that he enjoyed life and it shows in the old pics I have of him. But while I was at Drexel, things gradually changed and as I reflect I notice that he was depressed. It sank in after he passed- that he lost his wife before she turned 40 and was left to raise 3 kids- ages 4, 8 and 9. And at no point do I have memories of him being depressed when I was a kid. It was only around the time that I left to go to Drexel- that he wasn’t going out and doing things that we’d normally do- and looking back it feels like he lost his sense of purpose.

So what did he teach me? SO MUCH!
1) Bottom line- do what you need to do to provide for your family AND be a parent – NO EXCUSES. Time dedicated to being the best that we can at both means different things to different people. I believe he did his best given his circumstances. Did he feel embarrassed that he was selling fish out of his car? Possibly. I hate to say it but it’s the truth- I know I was. But I see things differently now that I wish I realized then. But he found a way to make his situation funny and light- and I don’t have memories of him feeling down during that moment in his life. He was actually really happy and joking- yelling out “FISH MAN!!” in the hallways of Brookdale Hospital! LOL

2) The value of his trust in me as a kid to make the right choices and how that has made an impact on me. Although I did break his trust when I was in high school, I only realize it now as a parent and learning so much about helicopter parents- how kids who aren’t empowered to make choices turn into adults who feel incapable. Sometimes I would think that I wished he gave me a little more guidance. But that’s not who he was or what we did. He knew that he could trust me to make the right choice and if I didn’t- then oh well- I learned the hard way! So I am OK with making decisions and learning from mistakes- although I definitely have a fear of failing. I realized it when I started listening to a parenting book called Love and Logic- the type of parent my dad was and how that had am impact on how I am today- both good and bad 😉

3) The importance of communicating. My dad and I had no problem fighting it out. But as an adult, I am also learning what is and isn’t effective. When my sister and brother were out of the house and it was just the two of us, I wish we had connected more because I feel like it would have kept me out of trouble and from feeling lost. So now I am trying to have that with my kids, to hopefully remain connected with them as they approach their teenage years! UGH!! If I don’t make it a point to maintain open communication with my kids, then of course I will have a hard time as they become pre-teens/teenagers- when many kids/parents avoid deep/meaningful conversations.

4) The importance of maintaining relationships and staying active. For social, physical and mental health-I see how not doing these things has a direct impact on happiness.

5) Live life and enjoy what’s in front of you with what you can- because it can be taken away in a heartbeat. My dad wasn’t great at managing money and honestly- I’m still constantly learning. He had cars repossessed and had to sell our childhood home and move into an apartment in Brooklyn, likely because he couldn’t afford maintaining/paying for it, plus I was already leaving for college. Having those experiences helped me see that it’s important to live, but also to plan- at least certain things like how to pay for stuff. My dad was also spontaneous, which is just as valuable as planning!

Cisco gave me a gift with my parents photo shopped in our family pics this past Mother’s Day- and of course I was bawling! It helped to make me feel that they have been present this whole time with my family and sharing experiences with me and the kiddos!

With death comes life…

It’s a couple of days after the tragic death of Kobe Bryant and his daughter Gigi. I’m a basketball fan, but not a die hard fan- and definitely not a Lakers fan. But I am a HUGE fan of people who live to be great and learning of the grit, work and mindset it takes to be the superhuman that Kobe was. And that’s why this story of his untimely death has struck me in a way that I don’t think it has with any other celebrity. From what I’ve learned of him in TV/Media, it was clear he wanted to be great at everything he was a part of. Living in the Philadelphia area and being a part of the Lower Merion community, people are sharing their stories and tributes of Kobe the human being- not the celebrity or basketball player. And it makes this loss even more sad- because at the end of the day, he was just living to be the best example he could be for his kids- so that they in turn could be their best and be great and whatever they do.

When he finally retired, he focused his efforts to provide stories/content for kids to see and realize their full potential. You can’t help but admire someone who really gave to the world as much as he did- and through that all, strived to be present for his kids/family! When I think of someone successful- a few things come to mind- their time freedom, their material success, their ability to give to others, their faith and happiness. I think, how can it be possible for someone to be great at all of these things? Something has to give! It’s too much for 1 person to be great at all those things. But it isn’t. God wants us to be great, and it’s on us to make the choices to be great- and BELIEVE we are capable. Kobe wasn’t superhuman. He just lived and breathed what he was called to be and kept in his mind that he was destined for greatness in every area of his life. I’m not saying that you aren’t successful if you don’t reach Kobe’s level of success. What I’m saying is, it’s in our power to decide what we want and in the choices we make, to create our story of how we are great. That was his story- but what is mine? “Mamba Mentality” is something I never lived by, but totally see and want for myself. It means working towards a life that allows me to choose to be giving of my time- and spend it with who I want, how I want and when I want by removing dumb/time sucking shit/people and focusing on the things that I am great at. The bottom line is that the story of how we define our greatness is different for everyone and we can decide by every choice we make whether we want to be great or not!

When the stories started coming out about the daughter being on that flight, and her name being Gigi- it hit me hard! And then in coming across photos of his daughter, and seeing that Gigi was dressed up like the Tin Man from the Wizard of Oz- I just lost it.

I think about the pain and fear he experienced in those last moments- knowing he couldn’t protect a life he helped to create. Knowing what lied ahead for the future of his surviving children and wife. And his wife- I feel for his wife! I pray that she can be carried through this unimaginable loss. Without even putting basketball/fame/etc. into the equation- anybody that has to deal with the loss of a husband is unbearable- but the loss of your husband AND child- the child that most exemplified your husband? Not saying that losing any child would be OK because it’s just awful no matter what- but it makes that pain just more heavy- because at least if Gigi had lived- seeing that child continue her career in basketball would possibly soften the blow, because she would have been able to see her husband live through her daughter. I can’t even imagine. Everything about the story is heartbreaking. But at the same time, it uplifts me- as I’m sure it has many others- to choose to live life in the middle… and rest at the end.

I’m a part of the InvestHER community- and in one of our mastermind sessions with group leaders throughout the country- we went around to share what our theme for this year would be. For me, it’s FEARLESS. Fearless in my sharing, making and SHARING mistakes, taking risks and growing – because although I have the choice to take action on the plans I make for myself- I also need to surrender and understand that it’s HIS plan that I’m living through and am grateful to be living in. So whatever happens as a result of choices I’ve made, or my circumstances or what someone else has done- is part of HIS plan for me- and I am learning how much peace that gives me. I believe my faith has grown so deeply that I don’t care about being judged by being vulnerable and experiencing/sharing mistakes and how I try to grow in area of my life- because in the end- we’re all not perfect- and there are too many people that are in our immediate circle- that need to feel connected, loved, helped, guided- that are living a life full of fear. And if something I do or say by living the way God had planned for me- can impact the trajectory of someone’s life, then I have no other choice than to be FEARLESS!

Here goes nothing…

So this post has been sitting in my Google Drive since June. I wanted to document my experience during a really hard time for my family. I went back and forth about sharing this, because it’s really personal. At the same time, a friend recently posted about a similar experience, which prompted me to revisit whether or not I should share mine. In the end, I decided that although this experience is deeply personal, it is also really normal and needs to be talked about more, so that us women who are going through this receive the support we need.

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This past month (May/June) has been one of the hardest in my life, during a time that’s usually the most joyful time of year for my family.

Back in April, I felt like I was on a high after coming back from Paris. I remember feeling like doing that together as a family was an experience I’ll never forget that we shared together. The girls were amazing with all the walking we did, we didn’t carry diapers or a stroller- we had great dinners together, etc. And I joked that I was probably pregnant because of how much we enjoyed our time together. Like God was playing a funny joke with me, “enjoy this now, because it ain’t gonna happen for a long time!”

Well on April 3rd, I took a pregnancy test and it was positive. Cisco and I were overjoyed. At the same time I felt like already overwhelmed and now we have another baby on the way. I honestly didn’t pay much attention to being pregnant because I wasn’t due for an appointment until a couple of weeks later on 4/17. We wanted to have an appointment so that we could share the news with our family on Easter which was on 4/21. But when we went for our appointment and went for an ultrasound- we were told I was only 6 weeks pregnant- but we saw our baby’s heartbeat. I read that the chances of a pregnancy going full term are pretty high once you hear the heartbeat, so although we didn’t share it on Easter, we shared it before we saw my brother for his re-enlistment ceremony on 5/10.

We ran the Broad Street run on 5/5 and shared it with the girls on 5/9. We re-enacted an Easter Egg hunt and the joy in their faces and voices is something I will never forget. We were so excited as a family to welcome a new baby in November. Adelina was finally going to be an older sister and we were going to be a family of 5. Here is video of when we shared the news with them: Surprise!

I remember feeling like I always envisioned having 3 kids, but when I thought the timing was right to have 3 kids, I don’t think my marriage could have handled it. But these days I really felt like our relationship was better. Never perfect. But much better.

And literally the following weekend- after we celebrated Mother’s Day, my birthday and Giselle’s birthday and shared the news with close family in friends- after all the joy and excitement we shared with our loved ones- we experienced the tragedy of loss.

On the evening after we came back from G’s birthday celebration at Treetop Adventure and Benihanna on 5/18, I came home and had some spotting. I was supposed to go to NY with G the following day, but wanted to stay home so that I could go to the Birth Center in case I needed to. So Cisco took her and I stayed home to pack on that Sunday.

Then on Sunday, I felt some very light cramping, minimal to no bleeding- but then I had some light bleeding in the evening. I talked to someone at the Birth Center who said “I’m sorry to say it sounds like it’s going in the wrong direction.” My heart sank. Why would she say that if the chances of me losing this baby weren’t definitive?

So that Monday I went for an ultrasound and it was official- the baby hadn’t grown past 7 weeks. There was no heartbeat. Cisco and I felt broken. I never thought that it was a possibility for me. I took for granted the fact that I was pregnant because I had 2 “easy” pregnancies with Giselle and Adelina- that losing this baby wasn’t even a possibility. We JUST told our family and close friends. I already had gotten maternity clothes because even though this baby had not grown much, my belly was getting round- or that could have just been weight I put on from Paris. But I had a vision of what my summer with the kids would be like. I remember thinking that I wanted to cherish my time with them- with just the 2 of them- before I became a Mommy of 3. Cisco and I decided that it would be worth trying the Cyber Charter school for Giselle because I would be home with our little one. All these thoughts and emotions happened in the span of 6 weeks- from the time we found out we were pregnant to the time that we found out we lost our baby. And when we found out that we lost our baby, we were already set to move out of our house. But our new house wasn’t even ready.

When we left the ultrasound, we went to the Birth Center because I already had scheduled an appointment just in case. It was confirmed that there was no heartbeat and so they gave me my options which were to a) let the baby pass naturally, b) take misoprostol to induce the miscarriage or c) have it surgically removed. When it was explained to me, I decided that taking the medicine would be the option for me because we were scheduled to move. I didn’t want to wait for the miscarriage to happen.

Well, when we left the Birth Center, Cisco shared with me a story of a good friend who had the same thing happen to them. But they didn’t take the pill. They decided to wait out the miscarriage and by the grace of God, the pregnancy went full term and their baby was born. I was shocked and remember hearing the story from him when he heard it, but I didn’t put it together. When he told me, we gave our friend a call and confirmed that in fact their miscarriage was misdiagnosed. That they could have decided to take the pill and be done with the pregnancy. And if they did, they would not have their daughter. So Cisco and I decided that I would not take the pill and that I would let the miscarriage pass naturally. At the same time, I prayed that if it was God’s will, that we would still have a baby. It was a crazy thought, but I couldn’t risk ending a pregnancy that still had a chance.

I Googled “misdiagnosed miscarriage” and found articles of women who shared their experience of having a misdiagnosed miscarriage. Like- WHO EVEN THOUGHT THIS WAS A THING???!! I had NO idea- and was so angry and upset that women are being given the option to terminate their pregnancy when in fact there was no reason to terminate it- and the emotional roller coaster that women are being put through. Google it. It’s a thing. Misdiagnosed Miscarriage

But my miscarriage wasn’t misdiagnosed. On 5/22 after I dropped off the kids at school and picked up some moving boxes at Trader Joe’s, I experienced the heavy bleeding that was being referenced in everything I read. Cisco was at work and I called him to tell him it was happening- but to be on guard because I was told that if I experienced heavy bleeding that I had to go to the ER.

I experienced heavy bleeding with Giselle and Adelina. So I think when my body goes through a pregnancy, heavy bleeding is my norm. Because I had some really heavy bleeding with my miscarriage. Soaking through 2 pads in 2 hours is considered heavy. In the span of 20 minutes I soaked through 2, so Cisco rushed home and we went to the ER. He asked me to walk to the corner of where we lived because that would avoid him from going around the entire block since it was a one way street. But when I walked to the corner, I had blood pouring down my legs. The midwife said that it should not be pouring and in the span of 90 minutes I soaked through 4 pads and a towel. By the time I got to the hospital, I was feeling lightheaded. I was scared. The day before (which was the day after we told the kids that we lost the baby) Giselle had a field trip at a hospital. She told me that she saw a statue of a woman who died during childbirth. And she was scared that I would die if I had a baby. I thought of her when I was in the waiting room at the ER. I feared dying and that I wasn’t ready. My life literally flashed before my eyes.

Part of me sharing this is because I want to emphasize how normal miscarriages are. Cisco and I literally came home from the hospital and as we’re still mourning the loss, comments like, “maybe it’s because you’re working too hard” or “it’s from running” or “you have too much going on.” Totally putting the blame on me, which infuriated me! There was no intention to hurt me or make me wrong, but ignorance has a way of being factual for some people who think they are doing you a favor by sharing their “knowledge.” However, many people don’t realize how normal miscarriages are (especially when you’re pushing 40!!) Even though there is no intention to place the blame on a mom that lost their child and had no control of what happened, it is still damaging if said to the wrong person. Thankfully, I didn’t internalize the blame and knew deep down that this was God’s plan for us all along.

The hardest part of this experience is feeling like I traumatized the kids. Cisco was hesitant to share the news with them. But I wanted to share it with them because I knew we were going to see our families soon- for my brother’s reenlistment ceremony and for Mother’s Day. Sharing the news as early as we did may have been premature- but I am ok with that. We felt so much joy that it was hard to contain. If we experienced this loss and didn’t tell our kids or our friends/loved ones- we would have been alone in our feelings of loss. But we feel supported and loved. And I’m ok with telling the kids. Because in the little time that this baby was with our family, we experienced so much joy and love and excitement that we are really grateful for. I’m so sad that our family won’t welcome a new baby in the fall- but I believe that God has a great plan for me and my family. And whether that means another baby in our future or not- I am blessed with 2 amazing girls and a husband that was there for me during my darkest times. I would love to have another baby, but am also grateful for the family that I have.

To be continued…

Recap of Home Renovation- #1 Choosing your architect

Taking on this project was a huge leap of faith for me. Doing a renovation of this scale (the amount of $, the level of renovation, the time and details required) was a first for me, but I knew that in the end it would be worth it. As I’ve shared, we were on the hunt for a house for a LONG time and we were OK with waiting. To recap, the first time I made contact with the owner was in the fall of 2016. Giselle’s friend lived nearby and my eyes were immediately drawn to how awful it looked. “Could this finally be the ugliest house on the block that I’ve been praying for?” I have no doubt that Jesus took the wheel (I love that term because it’s so true… I generally believe we have control over certain things but at the end of the day, I’m just working God’s plan for me)

At the end of the day, I’m grateful for the growth that I experienced throughout this journey. My process wasn’t perfect and I made some mistakes (expensive ones too!)- which I’ll share- but my goal at every “bump in the road” was to move forward.

One of my intentions for this project was to document and share the progress because a) I wanted to have this process together for future projects and b) I envisioned the transformation to be seamless! When B didn’t happen the way I envisioned, I was hesitant to share because I was mad at myself for making stupid mistakes. The reality is, sharing my mistakes may help others avoid them (and my goal this year is to impact the lives of 100 people) so I need to get over myself and just do it.

So I can’t do this all in 1 post, but I will highlight different stages- share what worked for me, what didn’t, how I moved forward and what I learned.

First thing I’ll share is my experience working with an architect. This needs to be shared since I learned a lot from this process because apparently I was not aware of this important distinction. Architect does not = designer. This isn’t the case for everyone, but the sole job of an architect is to build a house based on codes that need to be adhered to. Every architect needs to create plans for houses that adhere to a code, but design is not an element of every architect that should be assumed. So in essence you need to be really specific with your vision or provide a similar model/plan to work off of, in order to achieve the design that you have in mind.

After we hired our architect and as we were going through the process to get the plans finalized- and even while we were in the trenches of the renovation after plans were approved- there were a lot of things that I assumed would have been considered based on the incorrect assumption that architects provide design- the pitch of a roof, the placement of lighting, the flow of a room, the ideal space for rooms, bathrooms, etc. exact placement of windows and doors (the height from which the windows should be from the floor, for example) turning radius to get furniture in/out of the house. My assumption was that these things were considered in creating the floorplans and design of the house. It was only after we were in the thick of working with the architect did we how much double and triple checking we needed to do. There are firms that provide this component, but when selecting your architect, be clear with your expectations on what should be provided and have it in writing. I didn’t know what to compare and honestly (as stupid as this sounds) I didn’t interview a lot of people because it was someone I knew. In the end, I am at peace with the choices I made. We spent a long time finalizing plans for various reasons, but I think the main one was that I expected much less back and forth because I expected more knowledge of design from the architect. Next time, I know that I will need to be really specific with expectations or expect to pay more money and factor that expense in at the purchase.

And to make clear, this isn’t a post to bash the architect I worked with because there is a possibility I would still work with them and there’s responsibility in my actions as well. My intention is to share what my expectations/assumptions were, how they were incorrect- and what I learned from that process so that I can avoid the same mistakes when I’m selecting an architect in the future.

Our first trip without a stroller!

So last July, my good friend tipped me off that flights to Paris were $350 and I had to hop on it. I questioned our judgement after realizing that our kids aren’t city folks and I contemplated not telling them about the trip at all so that I could enjoy a trip with Cisco without any whining or complaining, but we didn’t have the heart- LOL. Literally the day after we purchased the tickets, I ventured into Philly with the girls in the heat and walked from Reading Terminal to Broad and Walnut and it was non-stop whining. We planned on having this trip be their Christmas present, so we didn’t tell them about it for 5 months, which was plenty of time to change our mind and cut our losses!

Well, we told them on Christmas that they’d be joining us and I’m thankful to say that WE SURVIVED! Yes, we are “lucky” they are good travelers, but I’m not gonna discredit our parenting skills either! Before kids, Cisco and I would fill our itinerary. He planned this trip for the most part and when I saw we had 1 thing on the itinerary I almost had a panic attack. There are definitely things I would have done differently, but hey- I didn’t take the time to do it- so I was happy! How did him planning this trip even become a “thing?” The first time we went to Disney, Adelina had just turned 1, Giselle was 3 and I was just exhausted. At that time, Cisco was the one that wanted to go to Disney in the first place (he’s kind of a big fan) A few months before we were scheduled to leave, I had nothing planned (because naturally, I would do it without being told) and told him that if he wanted to do anything on this trip, he’d have to plan it- AND HE DID! And he passed with flying colors! So I handed him over the reigns for the most part- I still gotta make sure his “vision: of our trip is somewhat in line with what I envisioned (replace “vision” with expectations)- LOL! We’re a very good team in that way. He does research based on what’s the best value. I’ll make the decision on what’s worth putting paying a little bit extra for and what’s not.

1 thing I could not stand about Paris was the airport… WTF is up with their departure terminal? I mean, maybe Norwegian has the shittiest gates in the airport? I know it’s a budget airline, but seriously, they had 1 “deli” not even a restaurant- for the area between security and the actual gate (which is Tiny AF). Isn’t security usually before all the restaurants and shops?? Normally I would go through security, get to my gate and any extra time I have I’ll stroll around the airport. Here, you have to leave the area with the gates to access any shops/restaurants- and then go back through security. It was not really well thought out and definitely ranks as one of the worst (if not THE worst) airport experience ever.

Overall, we spent 6 nights in Paris, drove from Paris to Loire Valley and spent 2 nights in Amboise. Some of our trip highlights were:
1) After waiting 1 1/2 hours to get to the top of the Eiffel Tower with our 5:30pm reservation, we made the sunset JUST IN TIME. Like literally, just in time. If we caught the next elevator up, we would have missed it. That alone was pretty amazing and was likely the work of Jesus Himself!
2) Seeing how the girls made the locals smile with their attempts at broken French.
3) It had been pretty cold the first 4 days of our trip, and on our last full day in Paris we got beautiful weather and the perfect spring time Parisian day. We went to Luxemborg Gardens, grabbed some chairs and basked in the sun after we had our picnic lunch. We strolled Ile Saint-Louise,and enjoyed ice cream at the famous Berthillon. We had plans to tour the inside of Notre Dame but skipped them to follow the music playing on the Pont Saint-Louis bridge. The girls screamed “BUBBLES!!!” and there was a man with his large bubble solution and his wand, blowing hundreds of large bubbles in the air. A few feet over was another man playing his guitar- and it is a memory I will always cherish- nixing our plans to see the girls entertain themselves for over an hour chasing bubbles, and seeing the joy in Cisco’s face as he was taking pictures of them with music playing in the background as the sun was just about getting ready to set! After that we headed to the Seine River cruise at sunset and enjoyed our final dinner in Paris in Rue Cler.
4) Disneyland Paris! Did I mention that Cisco is a huge Disney fan? I didn’t want to go, but he insisted. And to earn some pats on the back from the kids, he even told them that I didn’t wanna go to Disney so he could get all the credit- LOL My favorite memory from here was going to “It’s a Small World.” I have memories of my Dad taking me to Disney World and going to “It’s a Small World” there. I had a moment where I was grateful to share a memory with them, that my Dad shared with me- and so I cried! And my girls were filled with empathy when they saw my tears- which made me cry more.
5) My morning runs to explore and take pics of the city and then pick up croissants for the fam back at the hotel. I was usually the first one to wake up so this was my “me” time which I treasured.
6) Dinner at Chez Bruno in Amboise- literally THE BEST dinner I had in my life- and I am so grateful we shared it with the kids. I swear we are in the “golden years” of parenting because they waited in line a lot, walked a TON, and we were able to enjoy some nice dinners together!
7) Our drive to Amboise- driving through the historic towns, yellow fields of rapeseed, and symmetrical tree lined roads.
8) Making friends in Amboise with Mimie from the Amboise market and Philippe who we met at Le Clos d’Amboise- where we had our last dinner in France. Philippe overheard me talking to his neighbor and learned that I was from NY, which inclined him to share that his wine is served at Bouley at Home, in NY. He is a wine connoisseur, and has a vineyard in nearby Cheverny. He offered some of the wine he ordered for himself and his wife- which had floral tones to it- which I never had before. Such a kind gesture to offer wine- and he made sure to give me his card for our future visit!
9) Versailles! What an amazing site as soon as we arrived- I could not have imagined how grand this place is- to get to the front gate is about a quarter mile. Our Uber driver was so much fun- we had a 40 minute drive from Paris so we made quite the effort to talk with each other which we all really enjoyed. We only covered the first level and part of the second level- after a while I was like, “OK I get it, you had a lot of money to spend.” LOL… So we took the shuttle to see other parts of the property since it isn’t possible to do all that walking with the kids- the whole property is about 3 miles. It would have taken us another day or 2 to really explore the entire thing. We rented a boat to enjoy some time on the lake and when we were done, we sat down along the edge of the lake to watch the ducks/fish with the kiddos. An older man sat down beside us, who was with his grandson, and offered us some stale baguette to feed to the fish and ducks.
10) Which reminds me to say- we found the French to be very warm- everyone (except 2 people, that number would be much higher in Philly- lol) we interacted with was friendly, we didn’t find them to be snobby/stuck up at all. I think it helped that we had kids that were saying “bonjour” and “au revoir” and “merci beaucoup” everytime they had the chance. Our Uber driver on the way to Versailles was really happy when we sang the French portion of the song “Take a Break” from Hamilton and the classic “Champs Elysees” (which I never heard of, but apparently Cisco knew it since he took French)

I couldn’t believe how much we enjoyed our time there. As the time to go to Paris was approaching, I was getting a little stressed because I worried that there wasn’t much that the kids would be interested in. But they really enjoyed the sight seeing. I feel like we underestimate how great they are at adjusting because they surprise us everytime at how much they can handle.

And last but not least, today I received 4 texts within a span of 30 minutes about the devastating fires that took place at Notre Dame. When I heard the news and saw the church up in flames on my phone, I took it lightly, thinking it was going to be contained quickly. When I saw the damage unfold, I couldn’t help but cry knowing we were able to marvel at its beauty just a few weeks ago, and its significance to so many people, but especially the French- and happening during Holy Week as well- is heartbreaking.

Here’s a link with some pics from our travels:
Pics of the Van der Buellas

Take risks, fail, learn, grow… but don’t be ashamed to CELEBRATE!

So we are 75% done with the renovation of our home. I have no other project that I can compare this to- the size, level of renovation, how it was financed, selecting EVERY LITTLE DETAIL etc. were all firsts for me and not something that I can say that I enjoy. I definitely stepped out of my comfort zone for this one. To get an idea of where my head has been, here’s a conversation my husband and I had last night.

F: I can’t believe we’re finally moving in!
Me: Don’t get too excited, it isn’t 100% done yet!
F: You always say that. It’s ok to get excited you know! When we were under contract for the house, I said, “I can’t believe we’re getting this house for this price.” And you said,” I wouldn’t get too excited until we close.” Then when we finally closed on the house, I shared my excitement again and you go, “Yes! But let’s not celebrate “our home” until we get the loan to actually start the work. Until then, there’s still a possibility that we’ll need to sell it.” Then work started and we’re almost done and you still can’t get excited?
Me: I’m nervous because it’s true! You know how many people have gotten to this point and don’t get to 100% completion?

My point in sharing this is, I need to take this moment in time to celebrate what is happening and I haven’t. I’ve been hard on myself and rather than look back and see what I’ve accomplished, I’m looking ahead and finding where I’m falling short with goals I set for myself- non-house related. But the other day, I spent time reflecting on my year thus far- and realized that I have made progress towards my intentions- just not at the speed that I envisioned- and that’s OK. I need to be patient with myself and celebrate the growth- because doing this has really stretched me.

So why go from this project to do something smaller? Knowing that I’ve gotten here and that we’re almost at the finish line- aren’t I prepared to take on a larger project? I talked with a good friend of mine today and told her that I feel like I have big goals but they don’t feel realistic. And she pushed me and said, “Your goals shouldn’t be realistic.” Seriously- they shouldn’t! Realistic = safe. When our goals are unrealistic, we are being pushed outside of our comfort zone.

Installation of siding started today, doors and trim are in, bathrooms are 80% done, paint, kitchen and flooring will be in within the next week or so- and did I mention spring is here? It’s finally coming together and I need to finally share that I AM EXCITED!!!!

Here is a link to the progress https://bit.ly/2zAaiQy and a few pics below. We left a time capsule behind the drywall, inspired by this funny story I found right before drywall went up! https://on.today.com/2BJXAj

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