I had a number of things I intended on taking care of today, but doing this feels important so everything took a back burner. Today is my Dad’s death anniversary- it has been 15 years since I lost my dad unexpectedly. He spent the later years of his life in and out of the hospital- that we just expected him to come out. He went into the hospital shortly after I graduated from Drexel, around the summer of 2004 and then passed away the following February.
I’ve been feeling pretty sad today, thinking about him and where I am with my life and how I wish I was able to share so many moments with him. Obvious ones would be milestones like calling him to tell him that I’ll be a Mommy or that we moved into our new home that I know I would share with him. But I miss him for the little things. When he passed away there was no facetime. If he were around today, I could imagine him FaceTiming the kids and having us use the filters that the kids love to use. Or how proud he’d be to see how Giselle loves to eat all sorts of food- and how I’m actually a pretty decent cook! I cooked when we lived together, but I’d like to think he’d be proud of the cook I’ve become. Nothing great. But pretty good considering! Ha! And I know he would really enjoy spending time with us in nature- going to the beach especially- or doing something outdoors. I wonder if he’d actually be living with us in our house if he didn’t pass away- he probably would be because he’d want to be with the kids. When he passed away, I was just coming into my adulthood and looking forward to talking/connecting with him more. We spent a lot of my high school years butting heads and it was around the time that I started dating Cisco that we were entering a new phase in our relationship and then he was gone.
And saying this makes me feel so old- but it is what it is- that he taught me so many things that I could only understand now that I’m about to turn 40 and am a Mama. He gave me everything I needed. He provided for me and my siblings by doing what he could to make ends meet. At one point he did at least one of these- sold fish out of his broken ass van, sold cigarettes/candy, and he was a mailman- in addition to his regular job as a patient transporter at the hospital- and at that time, I honestly was embarrassed. Like, I would ride in his car and it would STANK!!! Like really bad! I’m positive that’s why I’m a germaphobe now. But when I sit and think about it- about how I was embarrassed- in that moment, I didn’t process what was actually happening and consider how he could have been feeling. That he was doing what he knew so that he could make ends meet- and in between all that- have a little extra to do things that we could enjoy as a family. Like going to the movies, the beach, the park- or just going out in general. During the last few years of his life- when I would come home from my days at Drexel- he looked forward to our time together and he’d get dressed up so we could go out. He loved getting out of the house, but would usually only do it with family- it’s not like he would go out on his own because he enjoyed it. He would take a bus and go for a walk at the pier in Canarsie on occasion, but for the most part he would stay home.
At the time, I thought he was being lazy. It didn’t cross my mind nor did we talk about his feelings/experiences that he could possibly be depressed- which I could see as I got older and even more so now that I’m a parent. Prior to me going away to school, I could say for the most part that he enjoyed life and it shows in the old pics I have of him. But while I was at Drexel, things gradually changed and as I reflect I notice that he was depressed. It sank in after he passed- that he lost his wife before she turned 40 and was left to raise 3 kids- ages 4, 8 and 9. And at no point do I have memories of him being depressed when I was a kid. It was only around the time that I left to go to Drexel- that he wasn’t going out and doing things that we’d normally do- and looking back it feels like he lost his sense of purpose.
So what did he teach me? SO MUCH!
1) Bottom line- do what you need to do to provide for your family AND be a parent – NO EXCUSES. Time dedicated to being the best that we can at both means different things to different people. I believe he did his best given his circumstances. Did he feel embarrassed that he was selling fish out of his car? Possibly. I hate to say it but it’s the truth- I know I was. But I see things differently now that I wish I realized then. But he found a way to make his situation funny and light- and I don’t have memories of him feeling down during that moment in his life. He was actually really happy and joking- yelling out “FISH MAN!!” in the hallways of Brookdale Hospital! LOL
2) The value of his trust in me as a kid to make the right choices and how that has made an impact on me. Although I did break his trust when I was in high school, I only realize it now as a parent and learning so much about helicopter parents- how kids who aren’t empowered to make choices turn into adults who feel incapable. Sometimes I would think that I wished he gave me a little more guidance. But that’s not who he was or what we did. He knew that he could trust me to make the right choice and if I didn’t- then oh well- I learned the hard way! So I am OK with making decisions and learning from mistakes- although I definitely have a fear of failing. I realized it when I started listening to a parenting book called Love and Logic- the type of parent my dad was and how that had am impact on how I am today- both good and bad 😉
3) The importance of communicating. My dad and I had no problem fighting it out. But as an adult, I am also learning what is and isn’t effective. When my sister and brother were out of the house and it was just the two of us, I wish we had connected more because I feel like it would have kept me out of trouble and from feeling lost. So now I am trying to have that with my kids, to hopefully remain connected with them as they approach their teenage years! UGH!! If I don’t make it a point to maintain open communication with my kids, then of course I will have a hard time as they become pre-teens/teenagers- when many kids/parents avoid deep/meaningful conversations.
4) The importance of maintaining relationships and staying active. For social, physical and mental health-I see how not doing these things has a direct impact on happiness.
5) Live life and enjoy what’s in front of you with what you can- because it can be taken away in a heartbeat. My dad wasn’t great at managing money and honestly- I’m still constantly learning. He had cars repossessed and had to sell our childhood home and move into an apartment in Brooklyn, likely because he couldn’t afford maintaining/paying for it, plus I was already leaving for college. Having those experiences helped me see that it’s important to live, but also to plan- at least certain things like how to pay for stuff. My dad was also spontaneous, which is just as valuable as planning!
Cisco gave me a gift with my parents photo shopped in our family pics this past Mother’s Day- and of course I was bawling! It helped to make me feel that they have been present this whole time with my family and sharing experiences with me and the kiddos!
