The intent of this post is to empower families who may experience discrimination or favortism in the private school system- and hopefully educate others on how they can protect themselves from being bullied by families who’s voices matter more- or to be clear… rich and/or white people. I wanted to share this back when it happened in March- but between everything going on with COVID and my family- it was out of sight and out of mind. It just so happens that now there are a lot of people speaking up on their own experience and I finally felt it was a good time for me to share mine.
A couple of years ago when my daughter attended the Baldwin School in Bryn Mawr, a classmate told her, “Filipinos burned the Jewish people’s houses and turned them into slaves.” I reached out to the parent to clarify the intent of her daughter’s comment- but that parent ignored me. So I wrote a nastygram on my blog because I was furious that this person didn’t care about how the comment had been hurtful to me/my daughter. The parent never acknowledged me and it was decided by the Head of the Lower School at the time and the current Head of School that there was a “misunderstanding” and that the child actually meant to reference “Philistines” and not Filipinos. That the girls are young, and she didn’t mean it that way. Even though my daughter told me she was upset by what was said, it didn’t matter. And wait- isn’t when they’re young the best time to address these issues? But apparently not there. Basically I had a bunch of white women tell me that my child misunderstood what happened and they weren’t going to make the child or family accountable for their actions. I’m sorry, but I don’t go up to Muslims and tell them “Muslims burned down the Twin Towers.” And if I did, clearly my intent was to make them feel bad about being Muslim. It’s the same thing. Even if she relayed the historical text correctly- and said Philistines instead of Filipinos- would it change the girl’s intent? But why would a white person (basically everyone in a leadership role at that school) understand that? Exactly, they wouldn’t! So I was furious, because the school basically did nothing- and I wrote a nastygram on my blog about the mom and her daughter. For those of you who know me, you know I won’t hold back- and I didn’t. I gave a tongue lashing to that mom and the daughter- which in hindsight was probably not responsible behavior that I regret- but I acted out of emotion and was angry that the mom of this child felt no sense of responsibility for the impact of her child’s actions. My daughter was 6 years old at the time and I was livid that she had to go through this at a school that I thought embraced diversity. I was asked by the school to remove the blog post and basically got in trouble. NEVER did anyone at the school empathize with my anger/hurt- or try to understand what would make me respond in such a way- the fact that I responded in that way made me wrong altogether for using my social media presence to share how I felt. At the time, I was one of the class parents- and was asked to step down even though there was no announcement made to other parents in the class- which meant parents were still reaching out to me to organize/help, ask questions, etc. Specifically I was asked to stop attending meetings- which I did- but I was not asked to entirely avoid communicating with the class.
Later that same year, it was clear that the voice of the other parent who refused to sit and talk things out with me, mattered more. I received phone calls from the Head of the Lower School at the time- asking me to stop sending emails to the class (even though I was never specifically asked to stop sending emails) because racist girl’s mom did not like receiving class emails from me. I was also asked to stop talking about the incident with other class parents when asked about it- even though I was told by the Head of the Lower School that the school does not get involved unless a student is involved. For example, when I was upset with the other parent for not responding to my request to sit down and clear up what happened with our daughters- the school’s position was that they don’t get involved because it is something between me and the parent- that they can’t force her to talk about the incident with me. But when this same parent heard that the incident was still being talked about with other parents in the class- she calls the school and the school (caring more about her voice vs. what they actually told me- which was that they don’t get involved with issues amongst parents) calls ME to stop?? You mean, you couldn’t tell that same parent “we don’t get involved because that incident doesn’t involve the students” just like I was told?? I realized then, that the school decided to reprimand me because that person’s voice mattered more than mine (whether it was because she was white, Jewish, or has more money) so I wrote an email to the Head of Lower School and called them out- letting them know that it was clear to me that they were favoring her voice over mine because I was being treated unfairly.
Their response? First silence. Then after a few weeks I followed up- and met with the Head of Lower School who again apologized for yet another “misunderstanding” and never actually acknowledged that what they did- reprimanding me and favoring the voice of racist mom- was clear and wrong. Of course, nothing in writing- because they don’t want proof that this is something they are actually guilty of. You know- clearly showing favoritism to another family and modifying their own decisions to accommodate another parent’s requests. At the end of the day, I decided to keep my girls there that year because they were happy and loved their teachers. I started the new school year with that incident behind me. By the time my girls left the school last summer, it was way behind me- I moved on and saw it as an option for my girls to still return. Even though I was salty about how the school handled the situation, I was focusing on the big picture- which was my girls- and overall, they were happy there. I put the incident behind me and I thought everyone else did too.
Nope.
So my girls started public school in September 2019. We wanted to give it a try, but my girls missed their friends/teachers a lot, so we decided to re-apply to Baldwin. And guess what happened? The Head of School pops in unannounced on a scheduled phone call that me/my husband had with Admissions, saying that submitting an application was a “big concern” to her- because of my record of not abiding to their “community norms and decisions”- and referencing an email and incident that happened almost 2 years ago! I almost laughed because I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. The email she was referencing was the one I mentioned above- where I called out the school for being treated unfairly. An email that she never acknowledged with me during my girls time there, but obviously saw and had feelings about- because she brought it up to make it clear that I don’t abide by their community norms and decisions (you know, when I told them that they treated me/my family unfairly) and wanted to make sure she kept my family out of the school.
A whole year and a half had passed- and the Head of School never said anything to me about being disruptive to the community, since the racial incident that happened. In my mind I moved forward. The incident was a year and a half behind me- otherwise, why would I want my girls to return?
And what was the big problem that the Head of School had with me? That I questioned how they handled an incident that proves they clearly favored another family’s voice over my own. So yes, a school that prides itself on growing confident girls that speak up- had a problem with me speaking up and questioning/asking for clarity for things that didn’t make sense to me. Leadership that lacks diversity will have no basis/reason to empathize or understand shoes they’ve never walked in- so anyone who needs clarity or questions why certain decisions were made- means that they are not accepting of their community norms and standards.
So that’s a whole lot of back story to get to the educational piece of this which is:
Anytime you have a school incident where you feel like something is not right or your child is being treated unfairly- demand that every reply be documented in an email OR if you are meeting, that every phone call and in-person meeting gets recorded.
Why? Because you’ll have a record. Looking back, I realized that everytime I sent an email- the issue was not addressed over email, but in person or on the phone. Now, if I wanted to go back to show to an attorney that I was not treated equally, I have nothing.
Why is this important? I’m thinking about anyone who goes to a private school and is not able to send them to a good public school. If I didn’t have a good public school available to me, would I speak up against the blatant unequal treatment and favortism? No! Why? Because my other option is to have my kids go to a school that I don’t prefer. In my experience, it was clear that the school had made the voice of another family matter a lot more than me/my daughter’s and it’s also clear to me why.
Makes you wonder how many parents have children that are being bullied and treated unfairly- and just accept it- because they don’t want their children to lose the opportunity to go to a good school.
I was specifically asked by the Head of School to keep the conversation we had in February of this year private- to not share it on my social media or with my friends that are still in the Baldwin community- because keeping it private would leave the door open for the girls to return to the school in the future. I wanted to vomit in my mouth. She really thought that she could maintain power over me/my voice, when I have no ties or obligation to her or the school? She knew I remained connected with families at the school and thought she could scare me into keeping quiet.
I hope that whoever reads this is empowered to stand up to leadership at a school when they see that their family is not being treated fairly. Had I realized the importance of documenting conversations and meetings, they would feel powerless because their reputation is on the line and the last thing a private school wants is bad publicity. When conversations and incidents are documented, the people in authority have less power and know they have to be mindful about what they say. It evens out the playing field when trying to resolve issues that they clearly have no basis in understanding because of their lack of perspective/diversity.
I am grateful for my family’s experience there- the people we met and the friendships my girls made. But this does not negate the issue at hand- which is that families are not treated equally. In my experience, they do not take disciplinary action towards those who are truly “guilty” because they favor the voices of rich and/or white people. Now there is a whole string of people putting out dirty laundry about racism at this school on the IG handle @blackmainlinespeaks- and it’s about time. As they say, there’s truth in numbers.