So this post has been sitting in my Google Drive since June. I wanted to document my experience during a really hard time for my family. I went back and forth about sharing this, because it’s really personal. At the same time, a friend recently posted about a similar experience, which prompted me to revisit whether or not I should share mine. In the end, I decided that although this experience is deeply personal, it is also really normal and needs to be talked about more, so that us women who are going through this receive the support we need.
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This past month (May/June) has been one of the hardest in my life, during a time that’s usually the most joyful time of year for my family.
Back in April, I felt like I was on a high after coming back from Paris. I remember feeling like doing that together as a family was an experience I’ll never forget that we shared together. The girls were amazing with all the walking we did, we didn’t carry diapers or a stroller- we had great dinners together, etc. And I joked that I was probably pregnant because of how much we enjoyed our time together. Like God was playing a funny joke with me, “enjoy this now, because it ain’t gonna happen for a long time!”
Well on April 3rd, I took a pregnancy test and it was positive. Cisco and I were overjoyed. At the same time I felt like already overwhelmed and now we have another baby on the way. I honestly didn’t pay much attention to being pregnant because I wasn’t due for an appointment until a couple of weeks later on 4/17. We wanted to have an appointment so that we could share the news with our family on Easter which was on 4/21. But when we went for our appointment and went for an ultrasound- we were told I was only 6 weeks pregnant- but we saw our baby’s heartbeat. I read that the chances of a pregnancy going full term are pretty high once you hear the heartbeat, so although we didn’t share it on Easter, we shared it before we saw my brother for his re-enlistment ceremony on 5/10.
We ran the Broad Street run on 5/5 and shared it with the girls on 5/9. We re-enacted an Easter Egg hunt and the joy in their faces and voices is something I will never forget. We were so excited as a family to welcome a new baby in November. Adelina was finally going to be an older sister and we were going to be a family of 5. Here is video of when we shared the news with them: Surprise!
I remember feeling like I always envisioned having 3 kids, but when I thought the timing was right to have 3 kids, I don’t think my marriage could have handled it. But these days I really felt like our relationship was better. Never perfect. But much better.
And literally the following weekend- after we celebrated Mother’s Day, my birthday and Giselle’s birthday and shared the news with close family in friends- after all the joy and excitement we shared with our loved ones- we experienced the tragedy of loss.
On the evening after we came back from G’s birthday celebration at Treetop Adventure and Benihanna on 5/18, I came home and had some spotting. I was supposed to go to NY with G the following day, but wanted to stay home so that I could go to the Birth Center in case I needed to. So Cisco took her and I stayed home to pack on that Sunday.
Then on Sunday, I felt some very light cramping, minimal to no bleeding- but then I had some light bleeding in the evening. I talked to someone at the Birth Center who said “I’m sorry to say it sounds like it’s going in the wrong direction.” My heart sank. Why would she say that if the chances of me losing this baby weren’t definitive?
So that Monday I went for an ultrasound and it was official- the baby hadn’t grown past 7 weeks. There was no heartbeat. Cisco and I felt broken. I never thought that it was a possibility for me. I took for granted the fact that I was pregnant because I had 2 “easy” pregnancies with Giselle and Adelina- that losing this baby wasn’t even a possibility. We JUST told our family and close friends. I already had gotten maternity clothes because even though this baby had not grown much, my belly was getting round- or that could have just been weight I put on from Paris. But I had a vision of what my summer with the kids would be like. I remember thinking that I wanted to cherish my time with them- with just the 2 of them- before I became a Mommy of 3. Cisco and I decided that it would be worth trying the Cyber Charter school for Giselle because I would be home with our little one. All these thoughts and emotions happened in the span of 6 weeks- from the time we found out we were pregnant to the time that we found out we lost our baby. And when we found out that we lost our baby, we were already set to move out of our house. But our new house wasn’t even ready.
When we left the ultrasound, we went to the Birth Center because I already had scheduled an appointment just in case. It was confirmed that there was no heartbeat and so they gave me my options which were to a) let the baby pass naturally, b) take misoprostol to induce the miscarriage or c) have it surgically removed. When it was explained to me, I decided that taking the medicine would be the option for me because we were scheduled to move. I didn’t want to wait for the miscarriage to happen.
Well, when we left the Birth Center, Cisco shared with me a story of a good friend who had the same thing happen to them. But they didn’t take the pill. They decided to wait out the miscarriage and by the grace of God, the pregnancy went full term and their baby was born. I was shocked and remember hearing the story from him when he heard it, but I didn’t put it together. When he told me, we gave our friend a call and confirmed that in fact their miscarriage was misdiagnosed. That they could have decided to take the pill and be done with the pregnancy. And if they did, they would not have their daughter. So Cisco and I decided that I would not take the pill and that I would let the miscarriage pass naturally. At the same time, I prayed that if it was God’s will, that we would still have a baby. It was a crazy thought, but I couldn’t risk ending a pregnancy that still had a chance.
I Googled “misdiagnosed miscarriage” and found articles of women who shared their experience of having a misdiagnosed miscarriage. Like- WHO EVEN THOUGHT THIS WAS A THING???!! I had NO idea- and was so angry and upset that women are being given the option to terminate their pregnancy when in fact there was no reason to terminate it- and the emotional roller coaster that women are being put through. Google it. It’s a thing. Misdiagnosed Miscarriage
But my miscarriage wasn’t misdiagnosed. On 5/22 after I dropped off the kids at school and picked up some moving boxes at Trader Joe’s, I experienced the heavy bleeding that was being referenced in everything I read. Cisco was at work and I called him to tell him it was happening- but to be on guard because I was told that if I experienced heavy bleeding that I had to go to the ER.
I experienced heavy bleeding with Giselle and Adelina. So I think when my body goes through a pregnancy, heavy bleeding is my norm. Because I had some really heavy bleeding with my miscarriage. Soaking through 2 pads in 2 hours is considered heavy. In the span of 20 minutes I soaked through 2, so Cisco rushed home and we went to the ER. He asked me to walk to the corner of where we lived because that would avoid him from going around the entire block since it was a one way street. But when I walked to the corner, I had blood pouring down my legs. The midwife said that it should not be pouring and in the span of 90 minutes I soaked through 4 pads and a towel. By the time I got to the hospital, I was feeling lightheaded. I was scared. The day before (which was the day after we told the kids that we lost the baby) Giselle had a field trip at a hospital. She told me that she saw a statue of a woman who died during childbirth. And she was scared that I would die if I had a baby. I thought of her when I was in the waiting room at the ER. I feared dying and that I wasn’t ready. My life literally flashed before my eyes.
Part of me sharing this is because I want to emphasize how normal miscarriages are. Cisco and I literally came home from the hospital and as we’re still mourning the loss, comments like, “maybe it’s because you’re working too hard” or “it’s from running” or “you have too much going on.” Totally putting the blame on me, which infuriated me! There was no intention to hurt me or make me wrong, but ignorance has a way of being factual for some people who think they are doing you a favor by sharing their “knowledge.” However, many people don’t realize how normal miscarriages are (especially when you’re pushing 40!!) Even though there is no intention to place the blame on a mom that lost their child and had no control of what happened, it is still damaging if said to the wrong person. Thankfully, I didn’t internalize the blame and knew deep down that this was God’s plan for us all along.
The hardest part of this experience is feeling like I traumatized the kids. Cisco was hesitant to share the news with them. But I wanted to share it with them because I knew we were going to see our families soon- for my brother’s reenlistment ceremony and for Mother’s Day. Sharing the news as early as we did may have been premature- but I am ok with that. We felt so much joy that it was hard to contain. If we experienced this loss and didn’t tell our kids or our friends/loved ones- we would have been alone in our feelings of loss. But we feel supported and loved. And I’m ok with telling the kids. Because in the little time that this baby was with our family, we experienced so much joy and love and excitement that we are really grateful for. I’m so sad that our family won’t welcome a new baby in the fall- but I believe that God has a great plan for me and my family. And whether that means another baby in our future or not- I am blessed with 2 amazing girls and a husband that was there for me during my darkest times. I would love to have another baby, but am also grateful for the family that I have.
To be continued…